I was riding the bus to my job today and a young woman and an older woman got into it. Well, the young woman got on the bus, loudly talking on the phone about whatever was going on in her life that she was certain we all wanted to know about. The older woman was visibly disturbed by this obvious show of total disregard for other people. This set the young woman off in such a way that she proceeded to be verbally abusive and confrontational. Once the older woman reached her stop, the young woman still felt it necessary to continue to make her point by getting off of the bus, yelling more expletives before getting back on the bus and then saying..."pardon my language" to the other passengers. Are you kidding?!
At first, the only thing I was thinking was how rude this woman was and how bad it made her look. But, then the more I thought about it, the more I was wondering what makes people feel the need to behave this way? This is what I came up with...the older woman felt disrespected because the younger woman was behaving as though no one could hear her conversation or be bothered by it...the younger woman feels as though the older woman somehow thought that she was better than her, which made her feel disrespected. I was feeling disrespected by the younger woman because she was being loud and obnoxious to the woman and involving us all in the process. (And what's with the bus driver not saying anything throughout this entire altercation...chicken)
Then I started to think about it further. This entire exchange is the kind of thing that I witnessed all of the time in NYC. And I would, at another time, chalk it up to "bad breeding" and go back to my superior, well breed reading. I'm quite glad to be beyond that, I was getting too pretentious for myself!
So, I asked myself, why does this happen? Why does someone feel it necessary to yell and be so confrontational to someone else like this? The beginning of the story is the key, the young woman got on the bus already presenting behaviour that demonstrated what's really going on...
Self-respect, my favorite definition came from Dictionary.com (www.dictionary.com) and I quote: proper esteem or regard for the dignity of one's character...regard for the dignity of one's character...there was definitely nothing dignified about today. But, it's an interesting thing...when you "come out of your face" at someone, is it showing them disrespect or you?
When you do things to draw attention to yourself, even in a more negative way, you are demonstrating a need to be seen. Being seen, really seen by someone else means both parties have to be engaged. However, so often it seems that people don't feel as though they matter. They have a need to "feel" important so they exhibit self-important behaviour. "I don't care whether I'm disturbing you, my life, my phone conversation is more important than any of you".
It was when I came to this realization that I felt considerably less hostile toward this young woman and felt more like going up and giving her a hug. I wanted to say, this doesn't make you important, respected, love yourself, know that you are a beautiful person that has all that she needs to have true joy in her life. You do not have to diminish someone else in order to feel strong. The big show of "I know I'm better than you" (insert head rolling and teeth sucking here)...this is totally unnecessary. Live in your light young sister...it shines so much brighter and stands out so much louder than you could ever yell.
Each time that we loudly, obviously proclaim our "right" to respect, to be seen by those around us, we are actually showing what we think of ourselves. If instead we took the view: I respect myself, I respect you as another person and it is through that show of love of myself, that I cannot be made to feel disrespected.
One definition I found for self-respect mentioned self-esteem. This is a huge correlation. If you hold yourself in high regard, reducing your encounters with people to whomever can yell the loudest the longest wins, this will no longer work for you. To show someone respect, means to regard yourself with "dignity" and treat them as you would have them treat you. "I hold myself in too high regard to behave in a way that is less than loving".
I can say that the times that I am the most disappointed in myself is when I let myself be drawn into an altercation where I use mean, hurtful language. I'm very good at words. I also know how painful they can be when I want them to be. However, I may have hurt someone else with my words. But, later I feel awful by having said them. I the heat of a moment, I can think some decidedly less than loving things about people. However, I know that if I take the time, the moment will pass and I haven't said anything that I'll wish I hadn't later.
Back to the young woman...the other thing that I thought about was, what a lousy way to start your day. She got herself all worked up. You know that conversation on the phone went on for several minutes about what had just happened. That means her adrenaline was still high, she was still "irritated", she hadn't let it go. I need a peaceful beginning to my day or the rest of my day is edgy, crabby, jumpy, filled with friction. I'll bet that's how hers was. You know she probably re-told the story at least a couple more times. Each time reliving what happened and re-feeling those emotions.
It's time for us to show self-respect by not confronting people and demanding their respect, but by loving ourselves enough to know that we are not diminished by treating ourselves with dignity. And now I'm going to bring up that pesky "E" word again...it is our ego fooling us into believing that our needs, our desires, our life is somehow more important than someone else. We are equal. My phone conversation, my feelings, my life are no more or less important than anyone else's...it is this Universal Love that we must hold in our hearts for ourselves and others that will allow us to relinquish our need to demand respect. We are not made "less than" by treating someone "equal to" ourselves.
This one needs an assignment...this next week, each time you feel yourself reacting...feel yourself wanting to "prove your point", "prove your equality"...step back and examine what you're feeling. Are you hearing yourself? Are you truly loving yourself by wanting to criticize or minimize someone else? Chances are...no, you're not. Put yourself in their shoes, what are they feeling, how would you feel if someone was about to say what you want to say? What will saying this do for you...do to you?
And just for fun...I had to include Aretha...
Until next time...
Joyfully yours,
Robyn
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