R E S P E C T : The Joy of Self Respect

I was riding the bus to my job today and a young woman and an older woman got into it. Well, the young woman got on the bus, loudly talking on the phone about whatever was going on in her life that she was certain we all wanted to know about. The older woman was visibly disturbed by this obvious show of total disregard for other people. This set the young woman off in such a way that she proceeded to be verbally abusive and confrontational. Once the older woman reached her stop, the young woman still felt it necessary to continue to make her point by getting off of the bus, yelling more expletives before getting back on the bus and then saying..."pardon my language" to the other passengers. Are you kidding?!

At first, the only thing I was thinking was how rude this woman was and how bad it made her look. But, then the more I thought about it, the more I was wondering what makes people feel the need to behave this way? This is what I came up with...the older woman felt disrespected because the younger woman was behaving as though no one could hear her conversation or be bothered by it...the younger woman feels as though the older woman somehow thought that she was better than her, which made her feel disrespected. I was feeling disrespected by the younger woman because she was being loud and obnoxious to the woman and involving us all in the process. (And what's with the bus driver not saying anything throughout this entire altercation...chicken)

Then I started to think about it further. This entire exchange is the kind of thing that I witnessed all of the time in NYC. And I would, at another time, chalk it up to "bad breeding" and go back to my superior, well breed reading. I'm quite glad to be beyond that, I was getting too pretentious for myself!

So, I asked myself, why does this happen? Why does someone feel it necessary to yell and be so confrontational to someone else like this? The beginning of the story is the key, the young woman got on the bus already presenting behaviour that demonstrated what's really going on...

Self-respect, my favorite definition came from Dictionary.com (www.dictionary.com) and I quote: proper esteem or regard for the dignity of one's character...regard for the dignity of one's character...there was definitely nothing dignified about today. But, it's an interesting thing...when you "come out of your face" at someone, is it showing them disrespect or you?

When you do things to draw attention to yourself, even in a more negative way, you are demonstrating a need to be seen. Being seen, really seen by someone else means both parties have to be engaged. However, so often it seems that people don't feel as though they matter. They have a need to "feel" important so they exhibit self-important behaviour. "I don't care whether I'm disturbing you, my life, my phone conversation is more important than any of you".

It was when I came to this realization that I felt considerably less hostile toward this young woman and felt more like going up and giving her a hug. I wanted to say, this doesn't make you important, respected, love yourself, know that you are a beautiful person that has all that she needs to have true joy in her life. You do not have to diminish someone else in order to feel strong. The big show of "I know I'm better than you" (insert head rolling and teeth sucking here)...this is totally unnecessary. Live in your light young sister...it shines so much brighter and stands out so much louder than you could ever yell.

Each time that we loudly, obviously proclaim our "right" to respect, to be seen by those around us, we are actually showing what we think of ourselves. If instead we took the view: I respect myself, I respect you as another person and it is through that show of love of myself, that I cannot be made to feel disrespected.

One definition I found for self-respect mentioned self-esteem. This is a huge correlation. If you hold yourself in high regard, reducing your encounters with people to whomever can yell the loudest the longest wins, this will no longer work for you. To show someone respect, means to regard yourself with "dignity" and treat them as you would have them treat you. "I hold myself in too high regard to behave in a way that is less than loving".

I can say that the times that I am the most disappointed in myself is when I let myself be drawn into an altercation where I use mean, hurtful language. I'm very good at words. I also know how painful they can be when I want them to be. However, I may have hurt someone else with my words. But, later I feel awful by having said them. I the heat of a moment, I can think some decidedly less than loving things about people. However, I know that if I take the time, the moment will pass and I haven't said anything that I'll wish I hadn't later.

Back to the young woman...the other thing that I thought about was, what a lousy way to start your day. She got herself all worked up. You know that conversation on the phone went on for several minutes about what had just happened. That means her adrenaline was still high, she was still "irritated", she hadn't let it go. I need a peaceful beginning to my day or the rest of my day is edgy, crabby, jumpy, filled with friction. I'll bet that's how hers was. You know she probably re-told the story at least a couple more times. Each time reliving what happened and re-feeling those emotions.

It's time for us to show self-respect by not confronting people and demanding their respect, but by loving ourselves enough to know that we are not diminished by treating ourselves with dignity. And now I'm going to bring up that pesky "E" word again...it is our ego fooling us into believing that our needs, our desires, our life is somehow more important than someone else. We are equal. My phone conversation, my feelings, my life are no more or less important than anyone else's...it is this Universal Love that we must hold in our hearts for ourselves and others that will allow us to relinquish our need to demand respect. We are not made "less than" by treating someone "equal to" ourselves.

This one needs an assignment...this next week, each time you feel yourself reacting...feel yourself wanting to "prove your point", "prove your equality"...step back and examine what you're feeling. Are you hearing yourself? Are you truly loving yourself by wanting to criticize or minimize someone else? Chances are...no, you're not. Put yourself in their shoes, what are they feeling, how would you feel if someone was about to say what you want to say? What will saying this do for you...do to you?

And just for fun...I had to include Aretha...

Until next time...

Joyfully yours,

Robyn

Butterflies: The Joy of Transformation

I've been seeing a lot of butterflies lately. In animal symbolism, the butterfly is the symbol of transformation (http://www.whats-your-sign.com/butterfly-animal-symbolism.html). I love butterflies. I've been called a social butterfly. I accept any comparison to a butterfly I can get. They're so beautiful and they make my heart leap in my chest when they cross my path.

The butterfly is the perfect symbol for transformation. I don't think that there is another creature that goes through the metamorphosis that a butterfly does. Unlike most animals that just become a larger version of their younger selves, a butterfly is totally unrecognizable from its original form.

The definition for metamorphosis is: any complete change in appearance, character, circumstances. The definition for transformation is: change in form, appearance, nature, or character. They are the words that I have been using about myself and that people have been using about me for the last few months. They are two of the most descriptive words for the experience that I have been having. And at another time in my life, this much change would have been extraordinarily scary. Now, it's truly exciting.

This last year has been one of major transitions and transformations. Some have been so amazing that I'm still reeling from them. Some were my greatest fears realized and yet, I not only survived them but thrived because I was forced to face them. The thing that has been the most incredible is how this has effected me.

My physical appearance has changed. I have relaxed a lot of the rules I used to have about my image and I've never looked better. I lost close to 30 pounds just by giving myself permission to live in my joy. I have found myself less self-conscious than I can ever remember being previously. I am who I am, if you don't like it, oh well I'm not here to make you happy.

It wasn't until I accepted the changes in my life, released my need to control everything, accepted my gifts & truly allowed myself to just be me...that's when the joy could not longer be contained in my body and it began to change the way I looked. People began to take notice. Someone told me last night that I looked a lot like I did when we had first met more than six years ago...confident and bright. What's funny is...this is the first time my outside and my inside match. I have looked confident before but it was a total act. I didn't have confidence, I had bravado. I could put on a good show.

When I work with private clients, I tell them that the only way our time together will be beneficial is if they accept that their lives will be transformed at the end of the process. If they are not ready to accept that they will not be the same person after we're done, then they need to wait until they are. Otherwise I get the "yeah, but's"..."yeah but I've never done that before...yeah but I'm not that kind of person...yeah but why can't it just be like this"...you get the picture. If I'm getting the "yeah but's" it's a clear indication that they are wasting their money and our time, because they're not ready for change.

When we are going through transformation, we can approach it one of two ways. We can either open our arms wide, accepting the gifts that will come to us, or we can try to hold on desperately to the past, to the things that were. The former will allow your connection to joy more fully and easily. The latter will keep you stuck, because that refusal to accept the transformation is based on fear. And fear is the enemy of joy.

Change is inevitable. When you are open to that change is when true transformation can take place. When you accept that this is your life now. When you accept that new doors can't open until other ones are closed. When you stop living in fear and trying to control the outcome. Only then, will the metamorphosis be allowed to commence. When you allow yourself to go from caterpillar, with many legs, inching its way along, holding on tightly to the ground beneath...to butterfly, soaring above in all of its beauty and glory...that's when you will experience the joy of being you. Are you ready?

Until next time...

Joyfully yours,

Robyn

Music: The Joy of Your Life's Soundtrack

I'm sitting here in my friend's coffee shop (www.theredenver.com) As is the way that things go, we're talking politics and community. It's been a meandering conversation that I have enjoyed emmensely. One of the great parts of the conversation has been the music playing the whole time. It's been meandering through genres the same as our conversation. I've laughed in recognition, danced in my seat from a good beat and smiled at a memory invoked.

What I realized was that this is how I like to experience music, as part of my life. I went camping over the weekend and we played a lot of music. Some reminded me of breakups, some reminded me of college, some reminded me of old friends...each song reminded me of a different kind of joy.

These two experiences got me thinking. Music really does act like a soundtrack for your life. Although we don't live in a movie, our life still has a soundtrack. For me it's classical music when I have to drive in traffic (cuts down on road rage), jazz if I'm thinking my own thoughts, bossa nova if I'm feeling sexy and every so often, I gotta play some country to tap my toes to...you know what I mean.



When you're getting ready for work, if you listen to music, it's probably different than what you're listening to when you're getting ready to go out. The older you get, your taste has a tendency to change. You still like your old music, but you have a new appreciation for music you didn't listen to previously. You usually have more experience, colouring how you perceive music. And just like smells, music has very specific memories attached to it. Love songs seem to be the most meaningful...at least for me. So much can be said about your life based on the music you're listening to.

What a joyful way to live though! Living each day with music expressing how you're feeling, your thoughts...music with words can be incredibly expressive of how you feel. Songwriters can sometimes express your emotions so much better than you can. And it sounds so much more meaningful set to music! Hello...can we say mixtape?



As many of you know, I'm staying with my parents right now. They are both huge newshounds. So the televisions in the house are always on. I can go days without turning on the television, as long as I have the internet. So, I when I first got to the house, I couldn't figure out what was missing. Then I realized it was the music. I can go a week without tv, but, I cannot go without music for more than a few hours. I really miss it.

When I was recovering from a low emotional time it was music that carried me and reminded me of my joy. It was music that connected me back to myself. It was music that gave me the power to look past the hard parts. Sometimes, I would just play music that made it impossible for me not to dance. Pandora Radio was my best friend...it just kept me dancing until I reconnected to my joy. (pandora.com)

We sing in the shower. When I was a child I used to make up my own songs. To this day, I remember the preamble to the Constitution, how a bill becomes law and what a conjunction is because of School House Rock. Music is really the fabric of our lives (no offense to the cotton industry).

What's on your soundtrack? What music makes you smile? Turn off your tv and play some music...listen to what your joy sounds like.

Until next time...

Joyfully yours,

Robyn

Independence: The Joy of Standing Tall

I'm sure you can understand why I started thinking about this, our country just celebrated its independence this weekend. However, the big "AHA" happened sitting in church on Sunday thinking about the struggles that several of my friends have been going through. Too often we look to others to carry us through, just when it is vital for us to find our own way...to be independent.

To be independent means to be "self-governing"...I like that. When you self-govern it means that you and you alone are in control of your behavior and choices. It also means that you, and you alone, can be held accountable for those choices...

Independence is about standing strong on your own two feet. It is about a strength within oneself. It is about remembering that no one can give your light to you, it is yours to find. It is about knowing within yourself that you have the capacity to be all that your heart is called to be. It is about owning all of your parts. It is all about the person you feel deep within.

Living in your joy, when it comes from a place of love, lifts others up, carries you and the lives that you touch to a place filled with light. Joy cannot live in darkness. Your joy grows from love, light and your connection to the love of those around you. You cannot have true joy if you are creating darkness in another's life to get there. Nothing taken is yours for long.

Have you put your foot down and demanded your right to happiness, taking it while leaving others poorer in spirit? Yeah, me too. It wasn't until I realized that if I look back at my behavior, my choices and upon looking back I realized that my behavior was hurting others, then everything was false. It was a false feeling of happiness, a false sense of security, a false belief in what I "deserved". It was clear that my putting my foot down and taking happiness was not about strength and independence, but a selfish attitude of entitlement. It wasn't about growing my strength from within but taking it from someone else. If I am stronger by leaving someone else weaker, then I am standing on some very shaky, unstable ground.

I cannot have a joyful light shining within me if I've taken it from someone else. I cannot lift others up if I'm standing on them. I can only live in the joy of my independence if I can stand next to those around me, basking in our Universal connection to love. We must lift one another up by the strength of our lights glowing together.

I mean there's a word for someone that can't feel love & joy without someone else...co-dependent. That is the opposite of in-dependent...individually dependent...only dependent upon self. Why would you want to validate yourself based on whether someone else loves you? Circumstances are bound to change and if everything you know about yourself is based on someone else's opinion, you're going to be left empty and lonely. If you remember that regardless of what anyone thinks, you love you...you know that the impact that you consciously have in other people's lives is of a positive, love-filled place...you're good.

It's like the oath that doctor's have to take..."first do no harm". If you and what you want is the only thing that matters to you, then you and only you will be to blame when people no longer want you in their lives. When you live in joy, you feel fulfilled in a way that no other person could make you feel. Coupledom, friendships, companions for the journey are all blessings to have in our lives. But, only when we are independent of the NEED for someone else are we truly living in our joy. With independence and love for self, can we stand firmly on our own, knowing that we are love, have love & give love to all.

Stand with me today my friends and claim your independence. Tell yourself that being alone doesn't mean lonely. Remind yourself that the people (the many lights) in your life are standing beside you ready to shine brightly together. You are not alone in the darkness, your are standing strong in your independence...in your joy.

Until next time...

Joyfully yours,

Robyn